Sooooooo..... I know everyone's thought is "What happened next?" Right?
DEVASTATION.... Imagine thinking a relationship ended and then find out that you are pregnant by this person. And of course this conversation is taking place by text message, but after I got this shocking news of him being married. I just stared at my phone. I just stared, still having no idea what to do. Feeling the eyes of my friends piercing my head, the prickly pins and needles on my neck, and the awkward silence of them waiting for me to tell them what he said. My response was less than eloquent, but something to the effect of "you're going to help me with this baby." Deep sigh... I told my girls what happened, and even in the midst of all the "oh no he didnt's", "oh hell naw", and angry explitives spoken, somehow at the same time it was all muffled and one remaining thought of me having a child.
When I returned to Maryland, the conversation I had with my pastors was less than desirable. They were like another set of parents, and they even in my mistake were still supportive and loving. I can't say that for everyone but I had no idea what I was going to do because I was already coming from a place of brokenness and here I am at another. Feeling completely abandoned. Now stamped with the "baby mama" stigma that my family had tried their hardest to keep me from. Now in my mind, I was a stereotype, a statistic, labeled another bitter black woman left to raise her child alone. Now all my dreams, and aspirations were hindered, prolonged or even over because I was having a child. WOW!
So many emotions I experienced in a short period of time. Feeling like a failed Christian, fallen so far from grace. Feeling unforgiven, and ashamed. At times I felt helpless because I've never brought a pregnancy to term (another story for another day). Panicked, abandoned, a disappointment, embarrassed and exposed. From that moment, even in my anger and sadness I was determined not to be "that mom". That mom that was considered a "baby mama". No drama. I wanted to be that mom that encouraged a relationship with my child and her father, despite what happened between us. That was my thought but I didn't know what that meant. And even in me insisting he tell his wife and in his refusal at the time, I still tried to remain in forgiveness.
I know what you're all thinking. Why do I need to forgive him? Right? You were the one done wrong. You were the one lied to. I thought the same thing yall, but I know it sounds churchy but that is how I was raised.... To forgive. I was taught to forgive. I didn't want my child to grow inside me with the resentment in my heart. But the real person I was angry with was myself. Angry at myself for not even realizing that I was running from one bad relationship to the next. Thinking that it would end the suffering of the other. But didn't.
Even in all the overwhelming negative feelings, the panic, the terror of having a child alone, another thing I was overwhelmed with was LOVE....I thank God for love, for His love. Because of that I could forgive....